9 Months To Birth Your Play

So let’s start with a definition. What is shame? 

Shame Researcher Brené Brown offers the following definition: 

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” 

This relates to workshop three on our three basic psychological needs. Feeling shame results from the way our nervous systems have evolved to protect us from not meeting our basic need for relatedness. This is our fundamental survival need to be socially connected, feel cared for, belong and feel significant among others. This is opposed to when we feel rejected, insignificant, disconnected and separated.  

Humans have survived because we’ve banded together in groups and helped each other out. Shame essentially evolved to protect us from being separated from the pack and that’s why feeling shame can feel like our survival is at stake. In workshop four we explored how the amygdala in the brain detects threats. Survival level threat can be triggered by anything that comes with a chance of humiliation, judgement, separation or disconnection from an important person, missing out or messing up and exclusion. 

Shame is feeling that we are not worthy (yet!) of approval, significance, care love and belonging (relatedness). It’s feeling not good enough. It’s also the birthplace of perfectionism. This involves hustling for worthiness by constantly performing, proving, pleasing and perfecting. It’s underlined by seeking relatedness (approval, significance, care, love and belonging) through a quest to live, look and do everything just right. 

Brené Brown and Self Compassion Researcher Kristin Neff find that shame is also different from guilt. Shame is focused on self. It’s a feeling of being fundamentally flawed, unacceptable and unworthy. It can make us feel like we want to hide or escape and can prevent us from learning from our mistakes. 

Guilt is focused on behaviour. It is a feeling of responsibility for a negative outcome from something we’ve done. Guilt is more likely to be expressed in behaviours that are orientated towards repair. 

“Shame is I am bad, guilt is I did something bad.” – Brené Brown. 

Now watch this two minute excerpt from a Ted Talk by Brené Brown where she defines this difference.

It’s important to be aware that neurodiversity, and experiences of societal systems and environments can all affect how and the extent to which we feel shame.  

Our early experiences of emotion containment, explored in Workshop 4, can be particularly influential on this. 

Now let’s look at shame in relation to your playwrighting. Shame is such a fundamental feeling that drives a lot of behaviour in characters. Take a minute to think of characters in your own or other’s plays that feel shame and whose behaviour is driven by shame.  

The following excerpt is from Bruntwood Prize-winning play Wish List by Katherine Soper. Tamsin lives with her brother Dean who has OCD. Her friend Luke works with her as a packer at a Fulfilment Centre. She’s invited Luke round to her flat and he’s been waiting outside while she prepares Dean for his arrival. Read the extract and notice points where Tamsin appears to feel shame and/or when her behaviour appears to be driven by shame. What does this tell us about her as a character? 

 

Tamsin goes to open the door and lets Luke back in. She speaks to him with her voice lowered, so Dean doesn’t hear. 

Tamsin He’s gonna come out in a moment. 

Just don’t – don’t judge him, OK? If he does something that seems weird or his face makes weird expressions or – he can’t help it. And like, don’t mention people from Hartley or anything, cos it’ll embarrass him –  

Luke I know. Bruv, gimme some credit here. 

Tamsin Sorry. I’m –  

Luke Chill.  

Tamsin Okay. Okay.  

Dean Tamsin? 

Tamsin goes into the bathroom.

Can you…? 

He indicates a small mirror on the counter. 

Tamsin Sure. 

She holds it up so Dean can see the back of his head, as he continues to work on his hair. 

Outside the bathroom, Luke looks at the jobcentre forms on the table.  

He sees a few items of Tamsin’s clothing on the floor, and gingerly picks them up, looking at each one with a slight curiosity, feeling the texture. He folds them neatly over a chair. 

Tamsin and Dean come out of the bathroom. Dean is awkward throughout, but is making a lot of effort. 

Dean Hey. 

Luke Hey. 

Beat. 

How’s it going? 

Dean OK. It’s going OK. 

He reaches up to fiddle with his hair for a moment before stopping himself. 

Luke We’ve just been at the Cricketers. 

Beat. 

Dean Right. 

Luke Y’know it? 

Dean No. 

Beat. 

Luke Me neither – I live up near Conniburrow Boulevard, so. Don’t usually come by Oldbrook. 

Beat. 

Dean You, um. You work with Tamsin? 

Luke Yeah. Yeah. We’re master packers, aren’t we? 

Tamsin Speak for yourself. 

Luke notices his shoes. 

Luke Tamsin, do you want me to take these off inside? 

Tamsin It’s fine. 

Luke You sure? / Cos I can – 

Tamsin Seriously, it’s fine. 

Luke Some people are – y’know. Weird about it. I’ll go to someone’s house and forget and then I can feel their eyes on my shoes like arrgh… 

Dean It’s not a big deal for us.  

Luke Right. OK. Sound. 

Pause. 

(to Dean) 

Hey. Do you remember how in Hartley there was all them words on the walls when you first walked in? You remember that? 

Dean Yeah. 

Luke What were they? Like, Commitment, Passion… 

Dean Endeavour. 

Luke Endeavour, yeah yeah yeah. At the warehouse – ‘fulfilment centre’, sorry – they’ve got the same thing. Not, like, the same words, but right near the door they’ve got like this massive slogan thing: Work. Enjoy. Improve. 

Beat. 

Dunno why I brought that up, it’s – not really the same thing –  

Dean It’s marketing. 

Luke Yeah. Yeah, it is. You’re right. 

Dean It’s trying to make you feel like you’re important. 

Luke Yeah. 

Beat. 

Man, what the hell is that about, am I right though? 

Dean Yeah. Weird. 

Luke Yeah. 

Pause. 

Dean – I’m gonna go to bed, is that –  

He looks at Tamsin. 

Tamsin Yeah, that’s fine, you go.  

Just before Dean has left the room, Tamsin approaches him. Luke may studiously look away. 

She still doesn’t want to say anything in front of Luke, but clasps Dean’s shoulder in a way that says ‘well done’. He acknowledges it, but if he says anything it’s too quiet to hear. 

He exits. 

Tamsin turns back to Luke. 

Luke I dunno why I said that stuff about my shoes –  

Tamsin Nah, don’t worry! Not gonna give you half a point for it or anything. 

She laughs. 

That was – like I don’t think he’s ready to, y’know, go for a pint with us or whatever, but – 

I don’t remember the last time he spoke to someone like that. 

Just – yeah. Cheers. 

Luke No problem.  

He fistbumps her. 

Pause. 

Tamsin notices the clothes on the chair, and snatches them up. 

Tamsin Sorry, place is a complete –  

Smells them. 

– need to go in the wash – 

She puts them away hurriedly. 

Sorry. 

 

How did you find that? Different interpretations are possible, but Tamsin appears to feel shame about how Luke might respond to her brother, Dean. She defensively pre-empts potential judgement from Luke and when he asks her to give him some credit she apologises. She also notices the clothes on the chair and snatches them up, apologising for the state of the flat, smelling the clothes and saying they need to go in the wash, putting them away hurriedly and then apologising again. 

Tamsin’s shame about the appearance and behaviour of her brother and the appearance of her flat suggests the shame of not feeling good enough. The shame also suggests how isolated she is. She appears to be trying to create a bond with Luke but she doesn’t have guests at her flat much and repeatedly says ‘sorry’, apologising for her brother, herself and her situation.  

As well as shame being a feeling for characters in plays shame is also feeling that you will experience in relation to your playwrighting. It can help to be aware of this and learn skills to tolerate and bring compassion to shame. 

Here are some examples that might sound familiar: 

• You keep procrastinating, cleaning the house, arranging socials, looking up celebrities online, anything you can to avoid starting work on your new draft. You feel really uncomfortable about this and like you’re failing. You think, I enjoy playwriting, I really want to maintain my success as a playwright, why am I so lazy, what’s wrong with me? 
• You hear that someone you were on a young writer’s course with has won a prize for their playwriting. You feel a pang of jealousy and anger that this wasn’t you. Then you feel like a horrible person for feeling this and start thinking that maybe you’re not a good enough playwright and maybe you should be more realistic and go back to your admin job.
• You’re at a party and someone asks you what you do. You tell them you’re a playwright and then feel an excruciating inner cringe. You feel like such an imposter. You think, I’m just starting out, what right have I got to call myself a playwright, I feel like such a fraud saying that, I haven’t even had a play produced.” 

Do any of these example ring true for you? I’d like you to invite you to take some time to reflect on when you might have felt shame in relation to your writing. It can help to sit somewhere quiet, take some deep breaths and close your eyes. 

We’re now going to look at two antidotes to shame – empathy and self-compassion. These are both essential for your playwrighting process and for your wellbeing as a playwright. 

In the Ted Talk we watched earlier, Brené defines empathy as the antidote to shame. One of the reasons shame is so powerful is its ability to make us feel alone. Like we are the only one or somehow we’re different from everyone else. Through empathy we feel with people. It’s the ‘me too’ that makes us feel recognised and part of the pack. 

Let’s hear from Brené again in a lovely animation that defines what empathy is. 

Empathy is essential in the process of playwrighting. Writing a play demands the ability to think and feel into a character. If you are not writing about yourself, you need to be able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and fully understand their experience whilst in those shoes by feeling and thinking their emotions, thoughts and behaviours. 

It can be particularly challenging to be empathetic with characters who behave in ways that oppose your values or that you could easily judge to be offensive or disgusting. For the development of fully realised characters, you need to be able to empathise with what might have contributed to them being as they are and why it might be understandable. 

To engage empathy, it can also help to use the distress tolerance and radical acceptance skills we explored in workshop 6. These skills mean it is less likely that you will want to split off into either attacking, avoiding or trying to fix your character and occupy more of a middle ground of accepting the reality of their feelings, thoughts and behaviours. It helps to remember that empathy and acceptance is not the same as approval. Acknowledging, understanding and accepting someone’s feelings and perspective does not mean you have to agree with them or approve of them.  

Think now about characters that you have written who are different from you and behave in ways that oppose your values or that you find offensive or disgusting. To what degree do you think you empathised with them while you were writing them. How could you bring greater empathy to your writing in future? 

Another great way of working with shame is through mindful self-compassion. Compassion literally means “to suffer with”. It includes empathy but it also has the quality of caring and concern that wants to help. And with mindful self-compassion we bring caring and concern to our own suffering. 

According to self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, “Self-compassion involves treating yourself the way you would treat a friend who is having a hard time….self compassion is a practice in which we learn to be a good friend to ourselves when we need it most – to become an inner ally rather than an inner enemy.” 

Kristin Neff also gives a funny example of this: 

“Imagine that our best friend calls you after she just got dumped by her partner, and this is how your conversation goes. 

“Hey,” you say, picking up the phone. “How are you?” 

“Terrible,” she says, choking back tears. “ You know that guy Michael I’ve been dating? Well, he’s the first man I’ve been really excited about since my divorce. Last night he told me that I was putting too much pressure on him and that he just wants to be friends. I’m devastated.” 

You sigh and say, “Well, to be perfectly honest, it’s probably because you’re old, ugly and boring, not to mention needy and dependent. And you’re at least 20 pounds overweight. I’d just give up now, because there’s really no hope of finding anyone who will ever love you. I mean, frankly you don’t deserve it!” 

Would you ever talk this way to someone you care about? Of course not. But strangely, this is precisely the type of thing we say to ourselves in such situations – or worse. With self-compassion, we learn to speak to ourselves like a good friend. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay? You must be so upset. Remember I’m here for you and I deeply appreciate you. Is there anything I can do to help?” 

There are three elements to self compassion all of which address shame.  

Firstly, self kindness addresses shame by being a way in which we offer ourselves support, encouragement, warmth, validation and unconditional acceptance. This is an alternative to attacking and berating ourselves for supposed inadequacy. 

Secondly, common humanity addresses shame by giving us a sense of interconnectedness through recognition that humans are not perfect and that everyone experiences suffering. All humans without exception make mistakes and experiences hardship in life on a regular basis and we are connected through this. This is an alternative to feeling isolated and alone in our suffering.  

Thirdly, mindfulness addresses shame by being a way that we acknowledge and allow thoughts and feelings to enter awareness without avoiding or resisting them too much. Mindfulness enables to allow the feelings and at the same time not become over identified with them and become narrowly focused and swept up by them. We need mindfulness as a first step to being able to respond to shame differently with self compassion. 

An exercise we can use that incorporates these three elements of self compassion to address shame and other types of emotional suffering is the Self Compassion break.  

It can help to put your hands over your heart as you take this break and close your eyes if that feels comfortable. As you do this say to yourself: 

1. This is a moment of suffering/this hurts/ow 
2. Suffering is a part of life/other people feel this way/I’m not alone. 
3. May I be kind to myself/may I accept myself as I am/may I give myself the compassion that I need. 

Another powerful exercise in self compassion is the RAIN meditation created by Tara Brach. RAIN has four steps. It stands for: 

• Recognize what is happening; 

• Allow the experience to be there, just as it is; 

• Investigate with interest and care; 

• Nurture with self-compassion. 

 This RAIN meditation from Tara Brach is a great resource.

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed this workshop and found it helpful. In our next and final workshop in the series we’ll be exploring the flow state and also celebrating success. If you can, before then, try noticing when characters in your writing and others are feeling shame and when their behaviour is driven by shame. Try using acceptance, distress tolerance and mindful self-compassion skills to notice and address when you are feeling shame in relation to your playwrighting. 

 

About Anna Webster…

Anna is a Coaching Psychologist, Wellbeing Coach and Psychotherapist in Training. She specialises in coaching psychology workshops and 1:1 programmes informed by emotion neuroscience, neuropsychoanalysis, and dialectical behaviour therapy.

Anna works for The University of Salford on SPECIFiC; a 7-session therapeutic psychoeducation coaching programme on the neurodevelopmental condition FASD, the first of its kind in the UK. She co-wrote the manual, co-delivers the programme and leads on Public Involvement. She was a member of the Steering Group on the UK’s first FASD prevalence study and was consulted as an expert by experience for the NICE Guidelines on FASD. She is also a Health and Wellbeing Coach for the NHS.